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How do you know when it's time?

Started by blackfoot griz, May 02, 2015, 10:27:27 AM

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blackfoot griz

I could use some help/advice. My dad passed away 4+ years ago and 80 year old mother still insists in living in the same place--a big house, in a rural area, loaded with stuff.  Recently, she had some major back surgery. Several days after coming home, at 2:00 a.m., she ended up face down on the bathroom floor in her walker that had her boxed in. I got her out of the walker, but couldn't get her up (was afraid of tearing the 14 staples in her back) so she ended up in an ambulance and back to the hospital. Yesterday, they took her to a rehab center (centre for my northern friends).

For someone who has said she wants to go out of her house "feet first" how do you handle honoring somebody's fierce independence versus insisting she go to an assisted care place?

I have the power of attorney stuff.

How do you know when it's time?  Anybody else had to deal with this?

Thanks


Gary_C

We just went through this with my mother and there are no good answers, only hard ones. Mother spent the last four years first in an assisted living facility and then in a memory facility. She was never happy in either of those facilities but she was comfortable up until the last year when she increasingly depended on the staff for all her needs. Perhaps it was fortunate the last year or so that she essentially could not communicate as prior to that she always insisted she wanted to go home.

What precipitated her moving to an assisted living facility was a fall at home.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

beenthere

Blackfoot, maybe what Gary says.

QuoteWhat precipitated her moving to an assisted living facility was a fall at home.

That fulfills and honors mom's "feet first" request.  Have the EMT's follow through with that wish but explain it to her as they transport her "feet first" out the door.. ;)

I know I don't want to be taken out of my home to have to live with others, so hope I go out sooner, rather than later. It is a lousy way to live, IMO
But life is too good to want to leave anytime soon.  :)
south central Wisconsin
It may be that my sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others

Straightgrain

I hope you do not mind a biblical reference friend; John 21:18.

My take on honoring a mother's wish for independence; some day, we ALL will be taken to a place where we may not want to go.

By any means necessary sir, remove any and all guilt from your shoulders, and keep it off!

Do what you think is best for her; it wouldn't be the first time a mother was upset with a son....
"We fight for and against not men and things as they are, but for and against the caricatures we make of them". Joseph Schumpeter

whiskers

Times have changed over your mom's lifetime, there's any number of predators out there to prey upon the elderly. It's not a question of if but when she'll fall again. Overnight in the floor with a broken hip or worse is no pleasant experience. Don't be shy about making the decision if it falls upon you to do so, you won't regret doing the right thing.
Old infirm folks, big houses, rural area and fire make a deadly combination. 34 years as a  firefighter, I'll spare you the details.
many irons in the fire.........

pineywoods

Griz, most of us have or will face that same situation.  There are no easy answers. First of all, don't let mom lay a guilt trip on you..My situation was almost identical to yours. Mom insisted, no, demanded that someone move into her house. We had to disable her car, taking keys didn't work, she had a spare set hidden away. A fall and broken back brought on a short hospital stay, then transfer to a rehab facility. Which just happened to be located in a nice skilled nursing facility. The rehab people were very co-operative in keeping her there as long as possible, she never went back home. Couple of things that helped.. We paid extra for her to have a private room and moved a few small pieces of furniture from home. Visit as often as you can, at random times if possible. There is a caregivers thread in the health and safety forum that may give some more ideas.  You aren't alone...
1995 Wood Mizer LT 40, Liquid cooled kawasaki,homebuilt hydraulics. Homebuilt solar dry kiln.  Woodmaster 718 planner, Kubota M4700 with homemade forks and winch, stihl  028, 029, Ms390
100k bd ft club.Charter member of The Grumpy old Men

kderby

My Mother made the move this year.  It is a tremendous relief.  No more worries about stairs, snowplows, sump pumps, furnace maintenance, lawn mowers, painting, flower beds, on and on.  The new location is warm, clean, safe.  They have a heated pool for exercise.  She still drives out to help with food bank and musical events.  We had wonderful neighbors and she was well attended.  Still, a five bedroom farmhouse with one resident granny is toooo much.  This new location is her new home.  It is much nicer for her and for us kids.  I hope your Mom can see the opportunity that downsizing offers.  It has been a step forward and a real solution for my family.

doctorb

Went through this just like everybody else here.  If she refuses to go, and you force her, it's incredibly unpleasant.  Have you considered having part time / full time in home assistance?  Very expensive.
My father once said, "This is my son who wanted to grow up and become a doctor.  So far, he's only become a doctor."

Magicman

Many of us have traveled the same path.  The short version is;  My Mom fell, I took her to the hospital, but thankfully no broken bones.  I talked with the Doctor who was agreeable to help me help her.  He told her that he was releasing her from the hospital, but he could not do so knowing that she would be living alone.  If no one could live with her, then she would have to go to a facility somewhere where she could be properly cared for.

My Sister did not accept it and took her home for a weekend.  She allowed Mom to fall, and now she had several broken ribs.  At least now they both understood somewhat better.  I visited Mom at least once every day and we made the best of it.  She was never happy.
Knothole Sawmill, LLC     '98 Wood-Mizer LT40SuperHydraulic   WM Million BF Club Member   WM Pro Sawyer Network

It's Weird being the Same Age as Old People

Never allow your "need" to make money to exceed your "desire" to provide quality service.....The Magicman

blackfoot griz

Thank you all for your responses--it really helped.
My mom has been through a bunch of surgeries--4 (yes four!) hip replacements, a knee and 2 shoulders.  This recent back surgery really was tough on her. She powered her way through all of them but, this time her fight is minimal or gone and that is what gets me.

Time will tell.

Again, thanks!

thurlow

Those medical alert devices work great;  responded to my elderly neighbor's falling two different times, way back when.
Here's to us and those like us; DanG few of us left!

Onthesauk

My MIL was independent, never wanted to leave her own home, but a little bit of an recluse.  With memory and health issues my wife pretty much forced her into an independent facility.  Forced to eat in the dining room and group shopping trips together with other ladies she met friends and turned into a different person.  The last couple of years before she died were the best things that could happen to her.  Doesn't make that first step the easiest thing to do but often not the worst situation for her.
John Deere 3038E
Sukuki LT-F500

Don't attribute irritating behavior to malevolence when mere stupidity will suffice as an explanation.

thecfarm

Good for you to look after your Mother. She looked after you for years,now it's your turn.
I moved my Mother in with us in her last few months of life. The first months was easy,the last month she hardly got out of bed. I was lucky with her,she knew she could not be alone. She was having a hard time with meals,just about living on cheese sandwiches. I was buying the food,I knew what she was and was not eating. We both knew it was time.
Not a nice thing to bring up,but get a Will made up. Not that it will matter,some members of the family will still be upset about thier "share".   ::)
Model 6020-20hp Manual Thomas bandsaw,TC40A 4wd 40 hp New Holland tractor, 450 Norse Winch, Heatmor 400 OWB,YCC 1978-79

square1

QuoteI talked with the Doctor who was agreeable to help me help her.  He told her that he was releasing her from the hospital, but he could not do so knowing that she would be living alone.

+1 Medical professionals are your best ally.  They'll gladly be the heavy, which helps you maintain a better relationship with the parent.

LittleJohn

Quote from: square1 on May 06, 2015, 07:49:01 AM
+1 Medical professionals are your best ally.  They'll gladly be the heavy, which helps you maintain a better relationship with the parent.
Difinately let medical pro help, I remember when my grandpa was put into a lock down facility (for dementia/alzheimers) he was blaming eveyone, who put him in there.  Everytime we visited he would ask when he could come home, and we would just say "When the doctors say you can".  Its just too bad at the end he did not even recognize us.

When my other Grandmother passed and left behind my 88 year old grandfather, there were several hard months of him living with each of the 4 daughters; before a spot opened up at the VA nursing home.  By which time everyone was glad to see he was being taken care of medically.

hacknchop

Log truck driver I worked with's mother lived alone fell and broke her hip, they talked her into going into a nursing home for six months while she healed, she did nothing but complain at first,but after about two months she called a family meeting at which she told her kids to put the house up for sale as she had decided to stay with her friends at the home where there was always something to do and others to talk to.
Often wrong never indoubt

drobertson

Sounds like most everyone has dealt with this in some form or fashion. We lost mom in 09' leaving dad alone, all was good til the fall,,then the surgery on the broke hip, followed then by an aneurism in the gut, both of these really took the toll.  After months of rehab center living dad made it home.  We had to make many handicap adjustments for safety.  To the point, I believe the time can never be set in stone or put on paper, every situation is different just like our folks, how graceful they are determines many things in dealing with lifestyle decisions.  Dad is still holding his own, without driving by the way, still talks about that, but there just is no way for this to happen.  I hope you and your family find a way to make all things work to keep peace with your mother, and keep her safe as well.
only have a few chain saws I'm not suppose to use, but will at times, one dog Dolly, pretty good dog, just not sure what for yet,  working on getting the gardening back in order, and kinda thinking on maybe a small bbq bizz,  thinking about it,

red

You do the best you can, and then some.  My local United Way has a Caregivers Group focussed on the caregiver. . . It helps to hear others But You ultimately have to be Strong and make your own decisions. Thoughts and Prayers
Honor the Fallen Thank the Living

blackfoot griz

Well, somebody else made the choice for me. My mom passed away last night.
Now there are all of the final arrangements to be made. This is not easy!  I again want to thank you for your insight and support. It does mean a lot to me.
Again--thank you!

Magicman

Pat and I offer our Sincerest Condolences during this time of sorrow.  Take care my Friend.
Knothole Sawmill, LLC     '98 Wood-Mizer LT40SuperHydraulic   WM Million BF Club Member   WM Pro Sawyer Network

It's Weird being the Same Age as Old People

Never allow your "need" to make money to exceed your "desire" to provide quality service.....The Magicman

Planman1954

I'm very sorry to hear this. I'll pray for you in this difficult time.
Norwood Lumbermate 2000 / Solar Dry Kiln /1943 Ford 9n tractor

thecfarm

blackfoot griz,I'm sorry to hear about that.
Model 6020-20hp Manual Thomas bandsaw,TC40A 4wd 40 hp New Holland tractor, 450 Norse Winch, Heatmor 400 OWB,YCC 1978-79

drobertson

Sorry to hear of your mothers passing,  our prayers are with you and your family,
only have a few chain saws I'm not suppose to use, but will at times, one dog Dolly, pretty good dog, just not sure what for yet,  working on getting the gardening back in order, and kinda thinking on maybe a small bbq bizz,  thinking about it,

beenthere

May she rest in peace. It happens for many of us, and life goes on.
Enjoy the good memories.
south central Wisconsin
It may be that my sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others

Ron Scott

~Ron

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