iDRY Vacuum Kilns

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All You Will Ever Need To Know About Tools

Started by easymoney, January 17, 2010, 10:41:05 AM

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easymoney

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh!#..."

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN * x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.

DanGit TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DanGit!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

sawguy21

old age and treachery will always overcome youth and enthusiasm

Ron Wenrich

I've got a shop full of those tools.   :D
Never under estimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

sprintfan11

 :D :D :D
That was too DanG accurate.... ;D
Use up, wear out, make do or do without.

Husqvarna 455 Rancher 20"
1994 GMC 1500 4X4
Central Boiler 5036 OWB
Troy-Built 27 ton splitter
Generac 6500 generator
More stuff to come....

Magicman

If you've lived it.....It's funny..... :D  I was 100%..... :'(
Knothole Sawmill, LLC     '98 Wood-Mizer LT40SuperHydraulic   WM Million BF Club Member   WM Pro Sawyer Network

It's Weird being the Same Age as Old People

Never allow your "need" to make money to exceed your "desire" to provide quality service.....The Magicman

tree-farmer

Thank you for that, made me laugh out loud in the middle of a frustrating day. My wife thinks you must have been watching me work...
Old doesn't bother me, its the ugly that's a real bummer.

Dakota

Dave Rinker

Stephen1

So True, and glad to see there is more of us there!
IDRY Vacum Kiln, LT40HDWide, BMS250 sharpener/setter 742b Bobcat, TCM forklift, Sthil 026,038, 461. 1952 TEA Fergusan Tractor

mcfcfan

its all so true.Thats why i gave up mechanical engineering and now i only have my computer and key board to blame.
Life isn't about how to survive the storm,
but how to dance in the rain."

nas

Farmers motto
"every tool is a hammer except a chisel, and that's a screw driver"
Better to sit in silence and have everyone think me a fool, than to open my mouth and remove all doubt - Napoleon.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2002 WM LT40HDG25
stihl 066
Husky 365
1 wife
6 Kids

old joe

I too have been having a rough day.  I really needed that laugh!!

Thanks
Joe
THE NEW YANKEE TIL A NEWER ONE ARRIVES THEN I\'LL BE THE OLD YANKEE

SPIKER

Boy I can tell you have looked inside my shop and seen pretty much every tool I own! ;):D

You forgot to mention that a hammer and a screw driver as also used to manually install blood blisters into most any body part conceivable (i just got one an hr ago...  :o ::) )  Had to open up on old paint can to make a new chimney stopped that the squirrel chewed through to get into the basement where the old coal stove used to be.  so NOW I have to figure out a way to get the red squirrel out off the basement and heal up my hand form the scars...


Mark
I'm looking for help all the shrinks have given up on me :o

southpaw

That was fun  :D :D, had me laugh'n so hard my wife had to check on me. thanks

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