iDRY Vacuum Kilns

Sponsors:

Just need some advice...

Started by Typhoon, September 26, 2003, 05:47:49 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Typhoon

Ok, since this is the "General" board, I am gonna give this a shot. It is somewhat personal, however, I hold high respect for wisdom and I know this is a good group of guys so maybe I can find some (wisdom) here. I am 28 years old.. not that it matters. Ok, here is the situation. Be open minded.. and no matter what the responses are, I will appreciate the input. I have 1 sibling. A sister, she is 21 years old. I also have a wife, whom is 22. My sister is currently going through a divorce, with a great guy I might add, because she realized that she wasn't done partying and living the single life. Well, that obviously put some stress in the family. But we are dealing with it. Also, she is having some difficulty with alchohol, (she just got a DUI) and she still can't seem to put down the bottle. On top of this, she is being rather promiscuous, sometimes with guys that are my age that I know. (Even some friends). My wife on the other hand, walks a very straight line. She has only been with 1 man (me), she is not into the whole drinking scene, and it has been hard for her to face some of the reprocussions that my sister has been bringing about, she has tried and tried to get along with my sister, but it just isnt working because she gets embarrassed often with some of the stunts my sister pulls. Ok, tomorrow night is my 10 year high school reunion. The girl coordinating the whole thing, saw my sister out one night, and after hearing my sister talk about how much she wished she could be there, invited her to hand out programs. Ok so now my sister is going to be there. AND wants to sit with my wife and I. However, my wife is to the point where she doesnt want to speak to my sister at all right now. So as you can see, I am smack dab in the middle of it. I might add that I am also growing tired of the stunts my sis is pulling. I know she will eventually grow out of this (hopefully), but at this point she makes a habit of making a fool out of herself and going home with someone different weekly. (And the divorce is NOT final, so that makes it a lil worse). Now, hopefully it was ok for me to post this here, I wanted to seek some wisdom from ppl that are not living in the same town as me, and who are kind of "looking from the outside in". What should I do? Thanks for taking the time to read this. There is alot more to it, but I am just outlining my situation. Here I am being a good boy but still in the middle of it!?!?!?  Normally I wouldnt ever post something about my personal life like this, but I know alot of you have probably "been there done that" and it always helps to hear some opinions. Thanks a million guys!!! ;)
Brad Dawson, Anna IL (Southern tip)
Husky 346xpNE, Husky 357XP, Norwood Lumbermate2000

Tom

That's a tough one.  Any response, you understand, is purely opinion.

When you got married,your wife became your family.

It's difficult to watch a sibling go down the road you describe, not to mention the failed marriage.  But,  that is her life. There is no reason that you must forfeit your life because she is destroying hers.  Being your sister, you have every right to tell her so.  As a matter of fact, you probably have an obligation to do so.  Never lose the opportunity to communicate.

I would hope that your wife doesn't take the opportunity to make life any more difficult for you than it is by "scratching the itch" or providing ultimatums.  Sometimes we have to be civil in public forums like your reunion.  Perhaps being accepted will be her turning point.  You'll never know if you turn her away to save face.

DanG

Well, that sounds like a challenging evening, at best. But it doesn't have to be a wash. :)  As Tom said, this is just one person's opinion, so take what you want from it and make up your own mind.
I think it was unfair and selfish of your sister to phinagle an invitation to a party that was intended for a specific group. If I were in your shoes, I would make it plain to her that she should be on good behavior if she wants to hang with you and your wife.
You also need to consider that your wife may feel just a little out of place, being considerably younger than your classmates. Be sure to include her in your conversations, and pay plenty of attention to her. Dance with her!!
Use the opportunity to get e-mail addys and phone #'s of your out of town buddies for future contact.
If Sis picks up a date and/or gets obnoxious, do your mixing and mingling on the other side of the room, and leave her to do her own thing. Don't let it ruin your evening!!
When you get home, hit your knees and thank The Good Lord that this only comes around once every ten years. :D :D
"I don't feel like an old man.  I feel like a young man who has something wrong with him."  Dick Cavett
"Beat not thy sword into a plowshare, rather beat the sword of thine enemy into a plowshare."

LSUNo1

Tom and DanG have given you excellent advice. I am not so eloquent and can only tell you of my own experience with a younger brother. His problems were with alchohol and cocaine which led to embarassing behavior and legal trouble. We tried to help as best we could but were not very effective.

However, the rules were simple if he wanted to spend time at my house or out in the company of me and mine. We just told him we loved him and it was killing us to see what he was doing to himself, but under no circumstance would we associate with him when drunk or high.

Im not talking about having a few drinks and getting a little silly, this kid required jail and professional help to get straightened out, so maybe you dont have to go to that extreme with your sister. But if you are concerned for her and about her possible behavior in your and your wife's company then tell her if you havent already.

Sometimes sitting down and having a very frank discussion does the trick. Above all, keep the wife happy.   :)

EZ

All good advise except one that I disagree with. I myself had a alchohol problem, I still do but I just simple except that I cannot drink anymore. After 9 yrs of drinking everyday and after 4 DUI, I finally quit. Jail time is not the answer, in my oppinion. Everytime I went to jail I got madder at everybody and everything, I hated cops, all cops, now I realize they are just doing their jobs just like the rest of us, even tho I think some of them kinda over do it at times. Well anyways, even tho I went in rehabs 2 different times I still came out and started drinking again. Broke alot of hearts, my moms, my wife & kids, but I did'nt care, when a person uses like I did stuff like that does'nt matter. I know I was a real ash hole, but that did'nt matter to me. I have been clean for 16 yrs now and dam glad of it. If your sis is just going threw a stage then I hope it ends soon. If she has a problem like I did, then the ONLY way for her to quit is prayer.
I just want to add this so some of you guys dont think differently about me. For the people that do drink I'm not saying all of you have a problem, I am one of you that can't.
God Bless
EZ

Linda

Typhoon,

The guys have given you some excellent advice.

Prayer, indeed is of utmost importance.  God says: To hate the sin, but LOVE the sinner.  "Love your neighbor as yourself."

You are in a very tough situation.  No one can make the decision for you.  Help your wife to know that whatever happens, you love, respect and understand her and her feelings.  Tell your wife how much you are hurting, and tell her you need her for support.

Be honest with your sister.  First tell her you love her, then tell her your feelings about what she is doing to her life.  If you tell her out of love instead of anger it will make a difference.

I often find that writing to someone is more effective (I pray first for God to give me wisdom and words).  Writing gives you the chance to proof-read what you write, before you send it.  Plus, the person can't interrupt your thoughts before you say them. And, you can't get into a heated argument that might complicate things.  There is always a chance that they might not read it (I pray that God will have the person read what He wants them to).

I have a wayward son.  It is very tough to say some of the things I must say to him, but I also always tell him I love him and am praying for him.  When he is in trouble the first person he calls is me (usually asking for prayer).  Likewise, I am the last person he calls when things are going smoothly (he doesn't want to be confronted with things that might not be as fine as they appear to him).  He has made great progress, but still has a ways to go.

Just remember, we all do wrong deeds.  Some seem more wicked than others.  When we feel loved by someone we feel drawn to them . If we respect certain people, their ideas will rub off on us.  So, if you love your sister, confront her lovingly and show concern for her, I believe she will come around.  There still may be rough roads ahead, some things take time.

I will pray for you, too.

Linda :)
Wood-Mizer 2012 LT50HDE25

Bro. Noble

I made a post on another thread about the folks on this forum having knowledge in various areas and being willing to share it to help fellow members.  What an example!  I am impressed and proud to be part of this forum.

There are a bunch of us that have needed the prayeres of our fellow forum members for one reason or another and a bunch that will support you in well wishes and prayers.  It makes a difference.
milking and logging and sawing and milking

EZ

Very well said, Linda. Thank you.
So much to say about things that need to be said, but my typing skills are slim.
EZ

Linda

Ez,

Your typing skills seem fine to me.  All that matters is that you have something good to say and you say it.   :)

Just like Noble said!  He said it so well, it about brings Happy tears to me eyes.  :)  :'(  :)

Linda
Wood-Mizer 2012 LT50HDE25

biziedizie

  EZ....that was....I'm kinda lost for words...I think that was excellent what you just wrote :)
  I think alot of people have problems with booze and they don't know it ::)
  It takes a strong person to admit that it's a problem and do something about it.

  You da man EZ 8) 8)

     Steve

EZ

Thanks Bizie.
I'm ashamed of what I was, but I'm not ashamed of who I am now, alive and well.
A couple months after I finally quit, my youngess daughter was 5. I was sitting beside her at the table and she was writing something on paper. I was really amazed that she was writing so I ask my wife, hay honey when did Chrystal start writing. She look at me kinda werd and said, 2 yrs ago.  :'(
I missed so much when I was using, that pretty much says it all.
EZ

Typhoon

Well, I cannot begin to say how much I appreciate all of you. It is a big help to be able to read and relate to how this has happened to other people. Now I don't feel so alone. The prayers really help! Im proud to be a member here. I will keep you all updated.
Sincerely,
Brad
Brad Dawson, Anna IL (Southern tip)
Husky 346xpNE, Husky 357XP, Norwood Lumbermate2000

redpowerd

and they want to take "one nation, under God," from the pledge of ALLEGENCE. our generation (im 27) was lead to be distanced from our faith in our liberal public schools. not so much taught but more forgotten about why were in this country in the first place.  put your problems in His hands and you will be surprized. its nice to see at least some of us still have faith and love for each other. ;)
NO FARMERS -- NO FOOD
northern adirondak yankee farmer

Mark M

Typhoon,

I don't know if I can offer any words of wisdom, but I can chip in a prayer or two. One of my favorite uncles was a real boozer. He was a great guy when sober but a real jerk when he was drunk. I was lucky in that I got to see what the sauce could do to such a wonderful person yet I could go home and not have to be around it, unlike my cousins. My mom always said "he might be a sonuvabitch, but he's OUR sonuvabitch!" Your sister might be a little like this too but she is your sister. Realize that everyone has relatives that are less then perfect and know that most people are understanding and forgiving. Follow the advice above and most of all pay plenty of attention to your wife. I know from experience your wife will feel neglected when you start visiting with old friends.

Good luck

Mark

EZ

My oldest brother and I was always real close. When I was doing all that carrying around he avoided me as much as possible, which I didnt blame him. When I quit drinking he walk up to me, gave me a big hug and said, it sure is nice to have my brother back. :'( ;D.
EZ

junkyard

EZ
Know where your coming from. Been there. Dry since 74. Best thing that ever
 happened to me.
       Junkyard
If it's free, It's for me. If for pay, leave it lay.

EZ

Good job, Junkyard, ain't it GREAT. Life is good, even on the bad days.  ;D 8)
EZ

Kirk_Allen

After years of drinking in the military it took a life of its own and before I knew it I was drinking daily and to excess.

When I asked my three year old son to get me a beer he did as dad asked.  He got to the fridge and asked, Budweiser or Busch?  Bud would be great.  How cool was that I thought?  Not cool at all.  He handed it to me with one more question, with a tear in his eye;  Daddy, why do you drink so much?

That was the last time I ever touched a drop of alcohol until he was in College, and even now I could count that total number on one hand for a whole year.

All have provided some great advice.  My only input is to ask this question:  What would Christ Do?  

I have been asking this question a lot lately as I have only  one son who is now in his second year of college and has become a financial disaster.  From bouncing checks to racking up credit cards.  It hurts to see our children or family members go through such pain.  I have refused to throw another fish to the waiting hands.  I have to put my faith in Christ and ask, ask what would Jesus do?.

He would show people the path but they must choose to walk it!

Put your faith in God and Pray with your wife.  Love your sister as Christ would.  As previously stated, God hates the sin not the sinner.

These opinions are based on my Christian faith in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and are not intended to offend anyone in any fashion.  This is simply who I am.
Thank GOD 8) 8) 8)

EZ

Rehabs showed me why I shouldnt drink, Christ keeps me from drinking. Amen.
EZ

wiswannabe

Kirk Allen what a beautiful sharing of your faith 8). remember that Christ showed you the path and he will do the same for your Son. All of us should put our faith in God and Pray with our Wife and Family. This is simply who I am also.

slowzuki

I don't know if it matters but I'm at an age in between yourself and your sister.  I'm not christian (although I was) if it matters.

I have a friend very similar to your sister, she constantly is sleeping around behind her long term boyfriends back (she has lived with him for several years).

I can't say anything about promiscuity as she protects herself from STD's and pregnancy.  And she has finally stopped drinking and smoking weed.  

But the cheating still confuses me.  From talking to her it is related to low self esteem, she is very attractive but is critical of her looks.  When men show interest in her it makes her feel good, and she is happy to do whatever to keep their interest.

For someone with low self esteem this is a destructive behavior as guys tend not to stay interested in her for long.  So it's on to a new one every so often.

I don't know much about how women repair their self esteem, mine used to be very low when I was a teen.  I managed to build it up from interests hobbies and true friends.  I'm to the point now where I really don't give a _____ what other people think of me. (I do try to show people how highly I think of them)

I think your sister needs support and friends who take interest in her as a person.  I hear you on her husband being a good man but it just may not be enough.  He has to be hurting from the treatment she has given him, theres only so much he can do without seeing results.

The other thing that helped my friend was getting away from her group of girlfriends that she drank and partied with.  It was too easy when bored to get together with them.  Two ended up pregnant, one hitched up with a guy who beat the tar out of her all the time and well, no one ended up successful.

Hope this helps.
Ken

Frank_Pender

This thread sure goes to show that there is more to a logger and sawmiller than meet the eye.

I could not slee, so I got up at 2:45 to catch up on some Forum reading.  Wow!  

One of my former students came by late Thursday afternoon.   We had some business to deal with.  He is going to do some logging for me on a half section I am manageing.  
Anyway, each time we see each other I am reminded of his comeing to me about 6 years ago and confessing his struggle with the bottle, etc.  He came back three days in a row, to tell me about his struggle.  Some of these statements here brought tears to my eyes where I had to stop and clear them away to contine reading.  Brad, one thing I believe I have not read is the part of being a good listener in all of the equations listed.   In that process I have learned that one is able to help others find "the path" that leads them from there behaviors.   May your prayers and everyone elses, be brought to fruation.  I too know that prayer works.   For some, the key is in being able to see when the answer is placed before them.
Frank Pender

EZ

When I began my sober life I was amazed with the people that I know and kinda look up to them cause they where doing so well in life. Turns out this folks were and are worst off then I was. These people were and are very successful bussiness men and some lost their jobs because of their drinking problem. And as of today I know two of them that lost everything, wife, family, house, car and they dont give a crap.
When I became to live the sober life the management at the shop notice my ability to smile even on the worst days down there. All the bosses, even the top ten would come up to me and talk to me about alcohol problems of their friends and family members. Then one day they called me up front and ask me if I would be enterested in being a counselor of alcohol for the shop. I told them that them kind of people go to school and learn many things about alcoholic problems. They ask what school did you go to. So here I am, a vacuum furnace operator, a drug and alcolholic counseror, and a want to be sawyer.
EZ

Norm

I think the best school you can go to is the one that life teaches ya EZ. They're fortunate to have someone that has been there to help. I listen a lot more to someone like you than someone that took a college course in psycho babble. :)

EZ

Thanks Norm, you are a kind man.

For about a month now I been trying to help the third in comand down at the shop. He;s been drinking since he was 14 and now he's 58. He's having one heck of a time to not drink. He's called me at two in the morning a couple of times, so far my talking to him is working.
EZ

Thank You Sponsors!