Is it just me?

[slipshod]

Worked all my life, raised my two sons, managed to stay married for 38 years to my favorite girl. I've been fortunate and have paid for some of the nicest land a man could want. Now at 58 I am retiring March 27 and looking forward to working and living on my piece of paradise.

Did I mention that I have in-laws? A brother-in-law with three children of his own that thinks because he is related to my wife he can do what he pleases on my properties. I made what now I consider a mistake by letting him and his son use my cabin and hunt on my hill farm(last year). My son and I planned a hunting trip of three days at the cabin. When we pulled in the driveway the BIL's car was already there and the cabin lights were on. I lost it, he did not ask just moved in with his son , son in law, and two guys I never met. The cabin was a mess, half the food in the fridge was eaten, and he was even split kindling wood on my floor leaving dents. When I asked him how he got in he told me he had his own key made last year so he would not have to drive all the way to my house to get  mine when he wanted to use the place! Aint that special?

Well maybe needless to say but I don't think he will be hunting on my places any time soon. one of the two strangers that he had with him told me Dave made out like he was half owner in the place. They no longer think that. I lost it and took the splitting maul and opened his key ring with it and got the key back. I never turned the guy down when he wanted to hunt I only asked that he let me know when he was going out and what property he wanted to hunt. Is that asking too much?

This is four days later and I have cooled down a bit but not all the way. My dear old mother-in-law thinks I am greedy. Don't know what her baby boy told her and I don't care. The only one of the bunch that has a set under him is my nephew. He called me and apologized, said his dad told him that he had talked to me before they went up there.

The thing that pisses me off is the key thing. Too *DanG sneaky for my liking and I will find the brother-in-law hard to trust after this. If he would have called I would have let them hunt and use the cabin. We have enough room all the way around for 6 guys and could have had a good time if he was not trying to act like he is something he is not with his two friends. The nephew said he told the lie about being a part owner and did not know how to get out of it.

Should I bury the hatchet, or should I stay mad at a moron? I am leaning towards getting clear with him. He is not really a bad guy just a bit stupid and family. I have seen too many families that don't talk for years over something like this. I think my wife may have used up all the family smart genes before he was conceived. The wife says write down the rules for him, I said, "WHAT??? he would have to know how to read first."

[rbhunter]

That is a hard to say. For me it would be better to bury the hatchet as family is important. It would really irritate me for someone to use my property with out my permission. I have been fortunate in the past and could hunt alot of land of relatives but I always called ahead to get permission. I would also have alot of ground rules especially since what has happened. I would not have a problem with someone not letting them on the property again.

If he came even close to abusing the use again he would have no access but his son might.

[Faron]

You say he is not really a bad guy, just a little stupid.  Well, after his lie blew up in his face like that, he just may be a little smarter, though I guess I wouldn't bet too much on that. ;)  I would be sure I spelled out the rules and that he understood them if you want to continue to have anything to do with him.  I don't see you have anything much to apologize about, unless you said something you now regret.  Extending an olive branch might be good for family peace, and is the way Jesus said it should be done.

[Tom]

I don't see chasing after him to make matters worse.  People like that are always having others apologize  for their own personal behavior. What do you say, "sorry I got mad at you for breaking into my house"?  That makes about as much sense as telling the judge, " He just kept banging his head on my knuckles judge.  I figured he'd quit after 3 or 4 minutes, but he didn't".

You don't need to complicate your life with bearing the burden of his indiscretions, but you should leave the door open for him to redeem himself.  After all, it is he who owes you the apology.  I think you wife would understand.  His son apparently understands and you should probably acknowledge his humility too.  The Morther-in-Law is doing nothing more than inabling more of the same kind of behavior.  It's up to the Brother-in-law to explain that to her, not you.  I would distance myself from the both of them in a benevolent manner.

Just my opinion.

[Warbird]

What Tom said.  I would forgive the guy but make the rules *very* clear if you are going to let him use your things in the future. 

As for the mother-in-law thinking you are greedy...  well, I always find it amazing how some people like to spend other people's assets and then whine about "greediness" when the owner takes offense.  The fact of the matter is that it is your land and your resources.  You are a man, you earned your keep, and you are well within your rights to determine who and how those resources are used.  If she doesn't understand that then she is the one with the problem.  Not you.

I think it is possible to be forgiving, yet still ask for respect.  In the end, the cabin, the land, the floor...  it's just "stuff". 

[TexasTimbers]

I would not contact him first or at least for a long while. If you get together for family functions (birthdays, anniversaries, family reunions etc.) I would wait until then. I would be cordual and not avoid him but I would not be the one to open the discussion because he needs the opportunity to do the right thing and be man enough to bring the issue up himself and apologize. For a man like he seems to be, it might be a long time coming if ever.

He owes you an apology, and you owe him forgiveness if he asks for it. The you also "owe" him a clearcut definition of what his rights and resposibilities are regarding using your propertry in the future. And if I were in your shoes, the responsibility would be a phone call in advance like he lied to his own son and said he made, and the responsibility would be to follow whatever rules you lay out in the future.

The only reason I would contact him anytime soon is if you find out he went fishin on one of your pools or hunted in one of your woods again without asking. Then, I would let him know he was no longer welcome on any of your property again until further notice.

It's a hard thing to sit at a keyboard and say what is right or wrong though. Every family has it's issues and they are all so delicate. None of this advice may fit what is best for your family. But all we can do is say what we would do based on what you have said. From what you have said the guy sounds like a creep not a good guy. I would discuss it at great length with my wife unless she is the type to speak her mind about it discusses it with you and and y'all agree on a plan and then she expects you to handle it. that's my wife. In that case, just wait the guy out and see if has the same decency his son has, or whatever you and your wife think is best. Maybe y'all decided it was best you call the guy and straigthen it out the sooner the better. In that case then that's the thing to do. But make no mistake she is as involved in this as you whether she wants to be or not.

Maybe his son will be a good example for him and when the dad grows up he will call you and apologize and really mean it. If he does like I said I think you have to accept his apology but I also think you got to lay out some very detailed ground rules for the future.

[logwalker]

You asked so I am going to offer my opinion.  :D

I think that the hatchet is right where it should be at this time. I would be concerned that any approach on your part could be construed as an invitation to take advantage of you again. The BIL needs to approach you and make amends before any forgiveness was offered from you. You did exactly as I and many others would do and have nothing to feel bad about.

People that have never worked hard to achieve anything or own something of real value rarely appreciate  possessions or accomplishments of those that have.

So smile when you see the in-laws, accept any apologies gracefully, and enjoy the relative quietude as a blessing.

[KGNC]

First, I can relate a bit. My sister's first husband would have done the same without a 2nd thought.
The fact that the MIL even knows about the incident tells a lot. If BIL told his mom, he doesn't seem to be ashame of what he did and is most likely looking for mom to clear the way to get back to your place.
I don't think I wouldn't  apologize, just invite the in-laws over for Christmas and act like the incident is over.
Actions speak louder than words.
(put you could serve some deer meat, if anyone asks, it came from your hunting land.)  ;)

[tcsmpsi]

   If the fellow is old enough to have a son who is old enough to come forward on his own, he is well ingrained in his behavior.   The liklihood of him becoming any more gracious than he already is, is all but completely non-existent.

From what I can tell, you were a gracious host, and your guest scrappled in the middle of your floor.

Being affable to that type behavior, only encourages more of the same.

My mother in law and sister in law came to visit one day, and began running this one down and that one down and was working toward bringing my wife into it.  I explained to them that type behavior is not allowed in the house.  They didn't stay much longer and haven't been back since.  That was probably 10 yrs or so ago.  Adios muchachas.

[Burlkraft]

I'm with Logwalker...Leave that hatchet buried right where it's at. I have been down the in law road before. Because I own a repair business and have tools the parts were always free...Labor was always free...and tools were never returned.

I had a BIL that blew the engine in his Blazer. I got a short block for him and all the consumable parts. I told him to come on Saturday and WE'D put it in. The wrecker showed up at my place Friday night. I paid the wrecker guy. Saturday morning I was workin' by myself. BIL showed up about 1:00 all hungover with a case of beer. He drank beer all afternoon and I worked on his truck. He left about 7:00 cuz he had a party to go to. His sister was out in the shed washin' parts for me while The Worthless BIL was drinkin' somewhere. She told me to just leave the thing sit.....Well it's in my shed with about $2000.00 worth of parts, I'm gonna finish it. About 10:00 Sunday mornin' I was boltin' the hood back on and ready for a test drive. The worthless fool musta been sittin' at the end of the driveway cuz at that moment he showed up with a buddy givin' him a ride. Made some lame excuse for bein' late and apologising for not being much help and lettin' me know how this was really helpin' him and his family out. Married for a year and a new baby and no way ta git ta work and all......

Went for a test drive, made a few adjustments and he left...He never offered to pay for parts or labor. Never did pay for parts and labor. I brought it up at every family gathering after that and of course I was bein' the jerk who just couldn't let it go........

At the divorce...mine......I tried to get the bills in the settlement, but the judge and her lawyer just threw them out.......

The lessons you learn like that are the ones you always remember........ : : :

[thedeeredude]

Fool me once......as the saying goes.

I'm not going to tell you what to do.  That's your personal decision.  Just saying.

[scsmith42]

I'm with Tom and Logwalker, and I applaud TCSMPSI for setting in-laws straight on what behavior is and is not appropriate in his home (I've done the same thing before).

Landon's closing remark is dead on:

"So smile when you see the in-laws, accept any apologies gracefully, and enjoy the relative quietude as a blessing."

[slipshod]

Thanks Guys ,
For your responses to my post. I am going to leave it alone for the time being. It seems with Christmas just around the corner I will be seeing the BIL sooner then later. I like the advise I got to not bring it up first, just wait and see if he does the right thing. As far as regretting anything I said, I don't.

I feel bad for my nephew Matt and I already shook his hand and thanked him for apologizing for his old man. It aint the kids fault. The look on their faces when I picked up the splitter maul and smashed his key ring was priceless. Now I have a major axe wound in my oak kitchen table , just glad I hit it against the grain.

As far as my wife goes, she advised me a long time ago to be more astute with the rules for using my property. If I left it up to her she would tear him a new one! The woman gets so hot I am careful how much I show my anger around her. She loves the land as much as I do and knows first hand how hard we have worked for it. Being that it is her brother would make very little difference

I also like the deer meat suggestion. I am taking my mother-in-law a big bag of my jerky, she loves the stuff, and I get a kick out of watching her try to chew it with her false teeth!

[Bro. Noble]

Good advice and a good plan.  You can always be friendly toward him without inviting him to hunt or use your cabin.  I think if it were me and he had the gall to ask again,  I'd have the gall to say "sorry".

[metalspinner]

I picked up the splitter maul and smashed his key ring was priceless. Now I have a major axe wound in my oak kitchen table , just glad I hit it against the grain

Don't ever fix that mark!  If ever he was invited back to the cabin that would be a nice little reminder of the incident.  ;) I'm sure the nephew can point it out decades from now about the day Uncle Slipshod let Dad have it. :D

[brdmkr]

You asked if you should stay mad.  Not at all.  You really should forgive him, whether he asks or not.  The anger you carry will only hurt you.  However, we often confuse forgiveness with trust.  We should freely give forgiveness, but trust must be earned.  I'd say you have plenty of reason not to trust your BIL.  Whether or not you give him the opportunity to regain that trust is up to you, but you should forgive for YOUR sake.

[scsmith42]

Brdmkr - very well stated.

Scott

[Al]

Ann Landers, Dear Abby, and all the rest of the advice columnists combined could not have come up with better suggestions about what to do.
Each of you was right on in your own way.
The only one I'll reiterate is this one....
"Don't ever fix that mark!  If ever he was invited back to the cabin that would be a nice little reminder of the incident. "

That mark and the story told about it may be a better deterent than any lock that will ever again be put on the door.

Al.

Edited to ad..

You have a fine wife, give her an extra hug and kiss for being so loyal to you and your family.

[Don_Papenburg]

Don't forget to ask Matt if he would like to do some hunting with you and your son .  The kid sounds like he would like to hunt with growed up folks ;D

[ScottAR]

Great advice so far... I'll wade in with some "me toos"

First, you married a keeper... This probably isn't news to you...

It seems all is well with the Nephew... At least he learned
how to be a man even if his daddy didn't...  Sounds like he will be hunting
again.

Hatchet is where it should be...  Being family is no excuse to be a jerk.

Forgive but do not forget...  There's a difference. 

One of my co workers has the same BIL.  Always telling stories to impress
someone.  I wonder if he knows how silly he looks.  All he has done is made
all of us distrustful of anything he says or does.  Funny how that works.
Karma will bite you in the behind every time. 

[sawguy21]

Scott, I think I worked with that guy's BIL. :D :D :D :D

[WILDSAWMILL]

stick to your orignial idea . hes burned his bridge to hunting privliges, a guy like that will do something that will cause you problems with the neabors if not allready. get your wife to back you up on the foot down.
his son might be along as a guest later but the juerk no way never.
we have delt with a simmler problem on our farm & the foot stays down for life.