Need Advice - soon

[RSteiner]

My mother who is 73 found out 2 years ago she has bladder cancer which was treated with an operation, chemo, and radiation.

Five months ago she found out the cancer has spread to her lungs, bones, liver and has gone down hill very quickly, she is on oxygen to help her breathe.  At least 9 months ago when she felt better she and her husband, not my father, planned a trip to Mexico to visit a remote  large caynon.

We as a family feel this trip will be fatal.  I have a sister who is a nurse who has told her she may not survive any sickness she might get in Mexico.  Her husband is adamant she go, she is afraid to say no to him.  He will not listen to our pleas to cancel the trip.

How can we protect our mother??  Is there any legal means of preventing him from taking her?  They have a nine hour lay over at an airport on the way down, she has a hard time with a 2 hour visit at our home. 

Thanks for any advice.
Randy

[jkj]

Wow, that's a tough one.  Cancer is a sad, sad, illness.

Your comments indicate you think this might not be her wish.  Did she say she was afraid "to say no" or is that an impression?  You might talk to her doctor - he probably better position for an unbiased take on the real situation.  If the doctor believes she is being pressured, he would be the best one to discuss this with the husband.  It would be a hard decision, but if she SAYS she wants to go I would be inclined to support any way I could.  If she does go on the trip, perhaps you or your sister the nurse could go with her, at least for the layovers.

I can relate my own experience: My precious sister Mary died last year after a 10 year struggle with cancer.  She too planned trips, the final one an Alaskan cruise, a lifelong dream.  She coordinated things with her doctor and chemo treatments so she would not feel as sick during the trips.  Another sister is a nurse and went with her on some trips.   Mary knew the Alaskan trip might be her last and indeed she did pass away on that trip.  But from her notes and conversations with her husband and other companians, she had an incredibly wonderful time.  She knew she was dying and I think she much preferred going that way with dignity in the company of friends in the beautiful outdoors than in a dark bedroom or a hospital bed.

JKJ

[beenthere]

I would say let the two of them make that decision. Sounds like it may be the trip of their lives. If not, then let it be. You asked.

[RSteiner]

Thanks for the replies.  She has said she doesn't care to go to Mexico to her children but not in front of her husband.

As far as the trip of their lives they have made many trips to other parts of the world in the past 10 years.  Her life long dream was accomplished in 2000 as she completed the A.T. from Springer, Georga to Baxter State Park in Maine in 142 days at age 67.  She did this solo as her husband was not physically able to go at that time.

If she wants to go on one last trip I have no problem with this, but if he is compelling her to go and she is afraid to say no I want to know how I can help her.

Thanks,
Randy

[Jeff]

I gotta think that Mom at 73 has had to make a lot of decisions on her own to this point. If she is still of sound mind, which it sounds like she probably is, I would let her work it out. What has she got to fear by saying no? Unless the man is abusive, nothing. She is already facing the greatest unknown of all. This trip might just be the thing that makes facing that other unknown bearable. I can understand your position of being scared of losing your mom earlier then you might otherwise, but the real issue for you should be what is it she might be losing from your intervention? What is it she will gain? Is the gain for your benefit or hers?  

[asy]

I disagree (in part) with the last couple of posters.

If your mum had said she wanted to go, but you didn't want her to, I'd have suggested you pull your head in and leave her alone, BUT, if, as you say, she doesn't really want to go, but is too afraid to tell her husband that, I strongly suggest you  TALK TO HER.

Tell her that if she wants to go, great, tell her she can ring you if there's a problem and you'll be there lickety-split, also tell her that if she doesn't want to go you'll help her talk to her husband about it. Maybe with you/your sister there, she'll be brave enough to discuss the matter with him. If that doesn't work make an appointment and go see her doctor and/or solicitor. Ask them whether there's something that can be done.

One thing I DO agree with previous posters about is, if she really wants to go, even if you think there's a definite chance she'll pass away while she's salsa-ing in Chihuahua ya gotta let her go, with your blessing, and with no guilt.

asy

[beenthere]

I appreciate your concern as well. Sounds like you've had a difficult time accepting the new husband, which is understandable.

..but if he is compelling her to go and she is afraid to say no

is probably something you will never be able to find out, and need to trust your Mom's best judgement in this situation.
I saw a situation when my mother was trying to 'tell' her mother at age 97 how she was going to live her life.   Not pretty. I hope you can come to grips with letting your Mom do her own thing with her husband, knowing it will be tough to step aside. Good luck to you.

[RSteiner]

Once again thanks for the advice.

I have no problem letting my mother pass from this life to the next in whatever place she wants.  Sooner or later we all face this.  We have had many "talks" about this and both of us are at peace with what will be. 

The main issue here is her fear of saying to her husband she will not go.  The relationship between the two of them has been very strained the past couple of months.  In May she wanted to live out her last days in the hospital away from his obstinacy. 

I have always gotten along very well with her husband, we have gone on many trips together.  This situation was totally unexpected.  I think the best plan is for my brother and sister along with myself to sit down with the two of them and once again talk this thing through.

Thanks,
Randy

[swampy]

Hi Randy,
I saw my mother go though something like this with her father and mother.
you have gotten lots of good advice, but I do agree with you about you and all of your siblings stitting down with your mom and step-dad.
See if he would be willing to take a tripsome where here in the .

[swampy]

Sorry it whent out on me.
Anyway, see your step-father would be willing to take a trip some where here in the U.S. because of your mothers health and the STRONG possiblity of her getting some thing from the water( not to mention all the shots you need to have before you go there).
My father used to work for a water companyand he used to go all over the world because of places like Mexico.
If she does go, please tell do no drink any of the water down there(not tea, coffee or anything else that has their water in it).
Tell your step-father these are moms last days, the question comes down to what does she really want.
                                Good luck,
                                                Linn

[CHARLIE]

Randy, I think you have the right decision. You, your brother and sister sit down and make sure you know what your mom wants to do.  If she does not want to go on the trip, talk to her doctor and ask him to recommend she do no traveling. Tell her that you and your siblings will stand with her. If she truely doesn't want to go, then she shouldn't have to go. 

[RSteiner]

Thanks to all for the advice, it means a lot.

Sunday we plan as a family to meet at mom's to work this thing out.  I am learning that her silence to her husband about this trip may be because she does not want to continue to experience any more decline in her life with cancer.  She mentioned once to me in the hospital that a friend who had cancer decided not to eat any longer to starve her self to death because of the pain of her illness.  My mother mentioned that she would not feed her cancer any more if it got to the point where she was a burden to others.

My thinking now is that she may be using this trip as a means to end her life.  The decline in her ability to do anything is going faster.  Last year by this time she cut and split 6 full cords of fire wood over the summer today she can not even pick up a piece of wood.  It is hard for a person as active as she all her life to have other people do things for her.

Tuesday is the planned departure for Mexico.  If this is how she wants to go then I guess I have to accept it.  This once again shows me how much our lives touch and affect others lives.  Our actions affect others more than we realize some times.

Thanks again,
Randy

[Skytramp]

Just a thought,  but StepDad may be thinking of seeking some cancer cures that Mexico has that are not available here in the states.
Sky;

[jack]

Randy ever see the movie Second hand lions?  that ending was what i thot would be the way to go.........instead of suffering in a hospital....etc. i would go out with a bang.  doing something i wanted to ........
going out with my boots on.

Talk to your family,  families are the hardest to convince.....to let a loved one go.
take care
Jack

[ARKANSAWYER]

  There was a time years ago when I was in the Army that I was 10 ft tall and bullet proof.  On several occasions we were asked to write letters to our love ones and leave them behind because there was a good chance of not returning.  Though it may seem a bit morbid or stupid there is a point to it.  It reminds you of how much you have to live for and what you are fighting for.   But in your passing it reminds those you leave behind of how you felt toward them.   I always pictured myself dieing on the edge of a foxhole with M60's in each hand cranking out death to those who were trying to take my life from me.  Defending all that is right and good.  My body standing for a spell after my soul had fled my lifeless body to give meaning to my determination to return to the ones I love.   Then, I wanted to die in a blaze of Glory fitting for a CMH to be placed on my cross.  Now days that I am 5'10" and have a few holes I just want to pass and be found laying in a pile of sawdust of my making doing what I love to do.
   Hate to have to walk the path in your boots but one must remember that life is to be lived and if you fear living for fear of dying then you have already lost your life.   If Mom is willing to take the trip then aid her.   If she does not truly wish to go then aid her.   It is her life and death and she should be able to choose how she wishes to do either.   If all else fails hug her neck and slip something into her pocket and by the time she gets out of security the plane will have left.   It is about her and love her for what ever she wishes to do and may the Grace of GOD be with You and Your's.

[RSteiner]

First let me say I can not express enough the gratitude I have for the concern and advice you all have given.

I too would want to leave this life doing what I brings me great pleasure, the pile of saw dust would be top of the list.  As a friend of mine says, we are all visitors on this planet.  So, I know it is not healthy to hold too tightly to the things of this life that are here for just a short while.

My mother left this life for the next on Saturday evening.  She entered the hospital because of breathing problems the day before and Saturday afternoon she went into a coma and five hours later breathed her last.

The family knew she was not in any condition to travel and she proved us right.  Her husband was not really accepting the fact of how weak she was which is the reason he was not willing to cancel the trip. 

Death can only steal our loved ones away for a short time because of our faith in God we will meet again.  Death can not steal the memories of the life we have shared.  It is important to make as many of those memories now.

Thanks again for all your kind words and support, this is a memory I will always hold near.  I am blessed that each of you took the time to respond.  I will be away from the computer for a few days because the one at home quit.

Randy

[asy]

Randy,

So sorry to hear about your Mum, I hope you , and your family, find peace.

asy

[scsmith42]

Randy, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[beenthere]

May she rest in peace.

[sawguy21]

Randy, I am truly sorry to hear of your loss but am glad her suffering was not prolonged.